Friday's Funnies

The product of your dumbed-down schools

Until next time

Quote for Today
Nothing is foolproof to a properly motivated fool.

Friday's Funnies

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my coworker followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'


You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

Until next time

Quote for Today

“We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”

  Thomas Alva Edison

Friday's Funnies

Friday's Funnies

I got this in my in-box the other day and had tears rolling down my face imagining this poor guy's predicament.  Hope it doesn't offend anyone, I didn't really want to change the author's words around to make it less offensive. I know it has nothing to do with horses but a laugh is a laugh and while I'm shoveling manure,  complaining about barn chores, riding in winter, etc... I'll remember this guy.

Subject: I Love My Job!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial diver for ****** Divers in Louisiana. He performs
underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below. 
 
Hi Sue, 
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.   

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my *ss started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on  my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my *ss was not as fortunate.  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my *ss.
   

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was  wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put
the fire out, but I couldn't s**t for two days because my *ss was swollen shut. 

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your *ss. Now repeat to yourself,
'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' 

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? 

 Until next time 

Quote for Today

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!  

Friday's Funnies

I recently received this in an e-mail and thought it was interesting. Hope you find it interesting too.

A History Lesson For Modern Times

Railroad tracks

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

 Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

 Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

 So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

 So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Until next time

Quote for Today
No matter how fast the horse trots the damn cart still chases him.
    - Horse Illustrated

Friday's Funnies

 A Touching Christmas Tale

(Caution: may be offensive to some)

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Until next time

Quote for Today 
 My other car is a horse.

Friday's Funnies

Friday's Funnies

How Pumpkin Pies Are 'Really' Made

Have a great weekend!

Until next time

Quote for Today

The grass is always greener on the other side, until a horse comes and poops on it.

Friday's Funnies

Friday’s Funnnies

I just received this in an e-mail. I am sure most of you have already heard some of these fabulous lines, but if you haven’t, please enjoy them as much as I did. Wouldn’t it be great to have the opportunity to slip them into a conversation sometime? Have a great weekend!

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

”He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Until next time

Quote for Today

Attributed to Lady Thornicroft after the hunt. When a saboteur asked her why the horse was so hot and sweated up; "If I had you between my legs for two and a half hours you dear sir, would be equally as hot and sweaty."

Friday's Funnies

Until next time


Quote for Today

A mule is just like horse, but even more so.
- Pat Parelli

Friday's Funnies

“Friday’s Funnies”

I would like to dedicate this particular “Friday’s Funnies” to On the Bit. A few weeks ago, my young friend locked herself in Texas’ stall on her first night in the new barn. I would like her to know that I am not laughing at her but with her; it is definitely something I could have easily done. Another favorite blog of mine Halt Near X recently did a post on stupid things to do with horses.

Have any of you ever done something really silly and then wondered how you were going to get out of the situation with your dignity intact? If so, I am sure we’d all love to hear about it. There have been so many instances in the past where I put myself in a predicament with no clever way out. So many times I have found myself locked out of the house and had to “break in” through a window or door, or locked the keys in the trunk of the car etc…

A specific incident stands out as my number one all time blunder. While dog-sitting for my daughter’s malamute puppy, I once again locked myself out of the house. This was not my usual lock-out though; this was my greatest fiasco. Having recently moved into a new home with doorknobs that open from the inside but remain locked on the outside, I took the pup out for his last nighttime bathroom break. As soon as I closed the door behind me, that sinking feeling of “OH NO” hit me. That’s right, no matter how many times I twisted that doorknob, or pushed on the door it was locked up good and tight. Now mind you, it was about eleven o’clock at night, pouring rain, the neighbors were asleep; everyone from the family was away on a business trip, there was no phone and two other dogs were barking their heads off in the house as I tried all the doors. The front door seemed to be the least secure so I gave it a few good kicks and broke back into my house. In the process of course, I splintered the door jamb/molding and now had to spend the weekend with no lock on the door. We live in a rural area with acres of woods surrounding us, but at least I had my killer Aussies and the malamute pup to protect me.

When my husband came home he surveyed the damage and inquired, “Why didn’t you just break the glass in a window, it would have been easier to replace”? Hmmm, didn’t think of that. But hey, then the rain would have come in; with just a broken door I could pile lots of furniture in front of it for defensive fortification or work on building a moat, so I never have to lock a door again...

Until next time

Quote for Today

Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.